Easy Like Sunday Morning
by odmonkey
Summary: For Sakura it had been an easy choice to return to the madhouse that was the Akatsuki Base. A collection of one shots documenting the many things that Sakura was sure she'd have to one day recount to a therapist. - Sequel to Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting! (I own nothing herein and am very open to inspiration!)
1. Chapter 1

Hello folks! This will just be a collection of one shots. There won't be any timelines followed and it will jump all over the place. Just some looks at life with the Akatsuki!

If you have any ideas for one shots or other ideas you'd like to see, just drop me a line.

Much Akatsuki love!

odmonkey

XXXXX

"Right!" roared Kisame as he flung the door to the kitchen open with a crash that rattled the windows.

All activity within the room immediately ceased. The argument over whether waffles or pancakes were the superior breakfast food ground to a halt, much to the relief of everyone not involved, and even Pein deigned to lower his paper to look over at the man/shark in the doorway.

Kisame was many things; an accomplished ninja, a genius, a prodigious inventor of jutsu, a deranged sociopath, but above all he was not someone that you wanted to irritate. Compared with the rest of his fellows Kisame had a long fuse and an even temperament. He just wasn't the type to snap and maim someone for crimes such as breathing loudly (Kakuzu), or running out of conditioner (Deidara) and was secure enough in himself to ignore the vast majority of offensive slurs that were thrown in his direction.

Therefore whatever it was that had him dressed in his full uniform with Samehada in hand and a wild expression in his yellow eyes must have been serious.

Deidara and Hidan had taken the opportunity to freeze in the hopes of testing out the theory that Kisame could only see you if you were moving. It was something they'd overheard from one of the young gate guards and apparently it was a rumour that was running rampant throughout the village. Sakura had rolled her eyes at them but Pein was secretly relieved that there was, if not a rational explanation, at least _an_ explanation for why people always seemed to be playing musical statues whenever Kisame walked past.

"What's the matter Kisame?" asked Konan, when she realised that no one else was brave enough to make the first move.

Kisame seemed to swell with anger and for a man who was already at least seven feet tall it sent the others scoping possible exits to avoid the blast radius.

"This is the fucking matter!" he shouted, not even enjoying the way everyone except Pein and Konan flinched.

Onto the table he flung a battered newspaper. It was dated a few days before and seemed to come from Wave Country. Gingerly Itachi reached forward and unfolded it, keeping one eye on Kisame as he did so.

The headline read: **SHARK MAN IN MASS FEEDING FRENZY!** and underneath was a fuzzy picture of a figure that looked very much like Kisame.

Pein read the page upside down and looked to Kisame, "I didn't know you'd been to Wave recently?"

Kisame ground his teeth so hard Sakura winced at the sound of grating enamel, "I haven't been to Wave recently," he managed in a deadly calm monotone.

"Sure looks like you fishy, seriously," said Hidan, yanking the paper away from Itachi so he could get a better look at the picture.

Itachi glared and fought the urge to scratch at his newly shaven face. Deidara and Kakuzu, the latter much less animatedly than the former, leaned over Hidan's shoulders so they could weigh in. Zetsu was much more concerned with when these people were planning on making breakfast. It was usually Kisame but the plant-man knew Kisame didn't like to cook angry. Hopefully if he kept casting meaningful looks at the stove they would get the hint.

"So if it's not you, then what is it?" asked Sakura.

"A clone maybe?" suggested Konan, eternally thankful that they now had someone like Sakura to help keep discussions on track when Kisame was either away or part of the problem.

Kisame somehow managed to frown even harder and pulled out a small package from inside his cloak. Flicking through it he pulled out a photo and handed it to Pein who snorted a laugh before passing it around.

"I got one of my contacts over there to look into it for me and this is what he came up with," Kisame said, his voice showing that he was not quite as amused by the photo as the others around the table.

Those with any sense of self-preservation managed to keep their reactions to stifled laughs and grins hidden behind hands at the picture of a very tall man who had painted himself blue, given himself yellow contacts and had a 'Samehada' that looked like it was made of papier-mâché. Despite the glaring flaws it was actually a pretty decent attempt at pretending to be Kisame. It was probably this fact that was annoying Kisame the most.

Hidan, of course, roared with laughter, "What the fuck is this?! You didn't tell me you had a brother fishy! Never thought you'd be the looker in a family!"

Kisame reached into the sink near the door and threw a mug at Hidan's head. Even crippling himself with laughter Hidan managed to duck under it and Itachi was forced to catch it out of the air before it smashed and added yet another thing to be taken out of their wages.

"It's not funny, you son of a bitch!"

"What I don't understand is why the fuck they're pretending to be _you,_ yeah?" said Deidara, "I mean, the only thing more difficult to look like than a _seven-foot tall blue shark guy_ is the guy with the plant on his head, yeah?"

"Maybe he keeps that for the weekends," snickered Hidan.

Pein gave Kisame a pointed stare when it looked like he was going to go for the crockery again.

"The real question is why isn't he just using a jutsu?" asked Sakura, "Even if they could see he was using something it'd be a hell of a lot more convincing than that shitty cosplay attempt."

"Whoever this is, he's definitely a ninja and he obviously knows you pretty well Kisame: 'fountains of blood', 'sickening displays', ooh this is a good one 'never seen such unbridled animal ferocity'. Sounds like you doesn't it?" remarked Konan as she scanned the article in the paper.

Kisame preened slightly at this praise from the higher management while Pein just rolled his eyes.

"I do not understand his motivations," interjected Itachi, his voice hadn't gotten any noticeably deeper but Kisame was confident on his progress.

Konan skimmed until she found the information, "Says here he just appears randomly every so often, 'striking fear into the hearts of the populous' before 'disappearing to his lair to plot another attack'."

"Our trade links with Wave are reasonably valuable ..." Pein trailed off as he began calculating figures in his head.

Sakura stretched, "Maybe that's what it is, he wants to make Wave think you've told Kisame to come and fuck some stuff up so they stop trading with you."

"That's a really fucking boring reason, seriously," Hidan groused.

"He's right yeah. What if he's like in love with Kisame and dressing up like him is what gets him off?" wondered Deidara.

"First of all Deidara that's disgusting and you need serious professional help, and secondly he might be right Kisame so be careful," said Pein with a revolted look on his face.

"Yeah, he might want to wear your skin or something, seriously, I've heard of that happening," said Hidan.

"You people are fucked up," laughed Kisame, finally starting to be less angry about the situation.

"Hey we're not the ones who want to wear your skin, yeah?" said Deidara, folding his arms as if he'd made an inarguable point.

"You have to remember Sakura that just because you know Kisame is tied to Rain doesn't mean everyone else does," said Konan, evidently deciding to head the conversation back in a more sane direction.

"Yeah that's a good point. Maybe it is the skin thing, Kisame, it was nice knowing you," Sakura nodded.

"I suppose you want to go and check this out?" Pein asked, a little redundantly saying as Kisame was clearly ready to leave as soon as he got the ok from the boss.

"Hell yeah, I'm going to show that little punk how a real mist-nin operates," Kisame grinned, his razor teeth glinting ominously.

"You should take back-up, I'll be very cross if I lose one of my best ninjas to a depraved fetishist," said Pein.

Ignoring the fact that everyone had looked at him when Pein had used the words 'depraved fetishist' Hidan almost bounced out of his chair, "I'm so going with you fishy, seriously!"

Pein frowned, "Why? Scared he brings out his Hidan costume for special occasions?"

"There's no one sexy enough to pull off being me, seriously," Hidan gave his boss a look as though such a statement was _so_ obvious before continuing, "No, there's no way in hell I'm missing the look on that guy's face when the real Kisame shows up. I'm going to take a deck-chair and some fucking popcorn, seriously."

"He's right, I'm going too," announced Sakura, pointedly ignoring the elated look that crossed over the priest's face.

Deidara laughed, "Count me in, yeah!"

The table looked to Kakuzu who had flipped through to the financial section of the Wave newspaper and was making some notes in his ever-present ledger. On feeling everyone's eyes on him he didn't even look up to reply, "If he has a bounty collect it for me, otherwise I really could not give a fuck."

"You really are a joyless old fuck aren't you? What about you little red-eyes?" asked Hidan, shaking his head in disgust at his boring partner.

Itachi frowned, Sakura and Kisame noticed at least, as he thought about whether to join them on their little excursion.

Pein looked over to him, "I think you should Itachi, you've been spending an awful lot of time in your room lately."

Itachi opened his mouth to argue that point but Kisame was nodding sagely so he decided to save his energy and humour the cretins he was surrounded by. Of course he was spending a lot of time in his room; the people out here just didn't understand him.

Kisame and Sakura shared a concerned looks as these rebellious thoughts flickered over Itachi's face. Hopefully he wasn't thinking about writing any more of his chronically awful poetry.

"So that's settled. Don't take too long and try to make sure Kisame comes home with all his skin, ok?" ordered Pein.

XXXXX

"So what's the plan when we get there fishy?" asked Hidan as they began crossing the great Naruto Bridge into Wave.

They had chosen to make their party as inconspicuous as possible for travelling the land and shucked their Akatsuki cloaks to stop the Kisame-impersonator having any forewarning of the ass-kicking he was about to receive. Sakura hadn't told them that it was still pretty obvious who they were if anyone with any sense looked at them for more than a second – these people were just not used to hiding their identities.

Kisame was wrapped in a dark travelling cloak and Sakura supposed he was simply hoping that the occasional traveller that gave them a wide berth as they passed often saw giants wandering around. Sakura herself had covered her obvious hair and looked relatively normal as did Itachi and even Hidan. Deidara refused to put the hood of his cloak up for fear of damaging his perfectly styled locks and was possibly drawing the most attention as people tried to place where they had seen his particular looks before.

"Go to the inn and lie low until that son of a bitch appears and then take him out," said Kisame.

"How do we know that he will strike again?" asked Itachi, forever in love with poking holes in the plans of others.

Hidan scoffed, "Come on, a crazy bastard like that isn't going to stop until someone fucks him up or everyone in the area stops caring when he comes in to gut them."

"That's the worst fucking part!" snapped Kisame, "Everyone knows Samehada doesn't cut, she shaves!"

The others shared a look as he huffed and kept walking. Deidara mouthed 'oooookkkkkaaaayyy' and they continued after him at a slightly further distance than they had been before.

"How long do you think it'll take?" asked Sakura, more confident than the others that he wouldn't hit her.

"My contact said he appears about every two weeks so we should be right on time," said Kisame with the sort of glee that made the others feel a little nervous.

As they crossed the bridge Sakura stopped and sighed into the clear air. It was strange to miss the mist that had covered the place the last time she'd been here and stranger still to think that had been nearly a decade ago. The others seemed to sense that she was having a nostalgia trip and decided not to interfere for fear of her bashing them. Instead they amused themselves by looking over the edge into the water and Hidan pretending to tip Itachi over the railing. Kisame stood tapping his foot quietly, eager to get on to beat the shit out of his impersonator.

She span around and pictured their young and hugely inexperienced selves suddenly facing a challenge way above their level. It was the first time they'd seen Naruto's inner power and she'd had a little fit when that idiot Sasuke had gotten himself porcupined. Scowling she remembered why she never thought about this place anymore and stomped off towards Wave. The men stared after her and looked at each other blankly as they tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. Hidan muttered 'bitches' under his breath in an exasperated tone and the others nodded before following her into the country.

The inhabitants of the country were understandably wary of strange people in cloaks appearing and the Akatsuki found that they were treated even more suspiciously than usual. Sakura had to lie low behind the others as she was still considered something of a local hero after they had helped with the repair of the bridge. The last thing she wanted was to be seen in the company of such infamous criminals in a place where they thought of her as the nice little girl they'd seen near ten years ago.

At the inn they had to let Itachi negotiate their rooms as Kisame and Sakura weren't able. Hidan was forced to step in when it looked like he was going to get ripped off and all the way up the stairs to their rooms he grumbled about how they were forcing him to turn into his stingy-ass partner. Deidara complained that the linens were damp and the humidity made his hair frizz. Sakura was appalled by the miniscule size of the shared bathroom. Kisame was right at home and told them all that they were all pampered little princesses and if they kept complaining he'd make them listen to him read more of Itachi's poetry. All complaining immediately ceased and Itachi was left glaring at them all in silence as he defended his poetry in his mind.

XXXXX

The five of them were in a heated debate about who was the bigger sex offender out of Orochimaru and Madara in a restaurant when all noise around them suddenly died. Looking around them they could see the fear spreading over the faces of the populous and Kisame reached under the table to withdraw the scroll he'd sealed Samehada into. The restaurant had large windows that looked over the main street of the village and they moved over to them to see what was causing the commotion.

The other patrons of the place tried to stop them with frantic hand gestures as they retreated to cower under the tables.

"How do they know he's here yeah?" Deidara whispered as they crouched under the window, scanning the street.

Itachi pointed to a red light over the bar that was flashing the alert, "They must have set up a warning system."

Sakura frowned at just how scared the people currently retreating into the basement were, "Maybe this guy is serious business, be careful Kisame."

"They don't have ninjas, even a low level asshole would be like superman to these folks," muttered Kisame.

"He dresses up as Kisame to terrorise people – the only fucking serious thing this guy is seriously mental," said Hidan, wishing that he'd remembered to bring the popcorn down from his room. He'd have to do with the end of his meal.

It was late afternoon and the sun was starting to set, bathing the street in a reddish light. Everyone had retreated into their homes giving the place an eerie ghost town feel. Sakura couldn't help it, she was feeling a bit on edge even though she was surrounded by four of the most powerful men in the world, and one of them had a serious axe to grind. Deidara and Hidan, by contrast, could not have looked more exited. They kept glancing between the street and Kisame hoping to get the full view of Kisame's initial reaction. Itachi looked bored as usual.

A shadow of a tall figure came into view and Sakura had to put a super-strength enhanced hand on Kisame's shoulder to stop him barrelling through the glass to fuck the guy up. They'd come all this way so they were going to enjoy this and not let Kisame end it before they'd basked in the ridiculousness of the situation.

Instead they moved silently towards the door with their chakra masked, pausing only to pick up a couple of plates and a half full flask of sake. Kisame glared at them all and pulled up the scarf around his neck to cover his identity completely beneath the hood. They let Kisame stand in the middle and flanked him in an attempt to look imposing despite the fact they were holding the end of their dinner behind their backs.

The figure approached with a swagger Sakura felt was totally unjustified given who he was facing but that would make the coming reaction all the sweeter. Hidan and Deidara were practically vibrating with excitement next to her. Itachi simply stood staring into space and probably composing more terrible verses in his head.

"What have we here?" the figure announced, throwing back his hood to reveal his terrible Kisame get-up.

He was tall, but not as tall as Kisame, and certainly not as broad. Whereas Kisame's voice was a deep bass rumble fitting a man his size and weight the voice of the man in front of them was about three octaves higher. Up close they could see the paint over his skin and the edges of the contacts he was wearing, as well as the brown roots of his hair under the dark dye. Altogether he looked about as convincing as a Halloween costume.

Hidan just about managed to turn his bark of laughter into a cough. Deidara had brought a hand up to his face to chew on his knuckles to stop the hysterical laughter bubbling out. Sakura had to look at the ground and not make eye contact with anyone in the vain hope of not cackling madly at the ridiculous display in front of them. Even something that approached a smile passed over Itachi's face .

Kisame had gone very still and from the stress he was putting on the poor scroll that contained his sword it was clear that he was about three seconds away from the mother of all melt-downs.

The man seemed quite taken aback that they were not cowering in fear like the terrorised Wave inhabitants he was used to. He stretched up to his full height of around six foot six – very impressive by normal circumstances but rather less so when compared to the shark/man in front of him. As he did so a shower of blue dust puffed out from his hair and Hidan practically went into convulsions.

"Who the hell are you?" Kisame asked from between clenched teeth, the scroll in his big hands practically screaming.

The man tipped his head back to stare down haughtily at them; Deidara grabbed Sakura's hand in a bruising grip as they both fought to stay relatively calm.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm Hoshigaki Kisame, the Swordsman of the Mist!" the man announced with a flourish.

Itachi turned to look at his partner who looked stunned. Behind them the three others were clinging onto each other as they watched it unfold.

"It's better than I could've fucking hoped! I owe Jashin-sama a big-ass sacrifice for this!" whispered Hidan, almost reverent at the quality of entertainment before him.

"What the hell is this guy playing at, yeah?"

"Shh!" Sakura managed through her deep breathing to control her giggles.

Seeing as Kisame was having trouble getting over the shock enough to form words, Itachi stepped forwards, "Really? Tell us about yourself."

The man looked a little less cocksure at Itachi's bland request. Everyone else before him had simply run screaming at supposedly being faced by the Akatsuki member.

So, naturally, he decided to go on the defensive, "Why should I? Why shouldn't I just gut you right now?" he shouted, pulling out his 'Samehada' as he did so.

To Sakura's untrained eye it appeared to be made of some hardened resin-like substance and had been augmented with razor blades buried into it. Unfortunately the resin had set awkwardly at the top and the tip was at a slight angle.

"Jashin-sama, I can die happy now."

"This is the best day of my life, yeah."

"I don't think trying that is a very good idea," said Itachi mildly, looking off to one side to see that the town was pressed up against its windows to watch them.

"And why not? Who are you anyway?"

Itachi pulled down his sunglasses that he'd taken to wearing whenever they had to try and remain inconspicuous. Sakura had suggested that he simply turn off the Sharingan as the simplest and most health-conscious method but Itachi had simply stared at her blankly until she'd thrown her hands up and let him choose the stylish shades he was currently using.

"Uchiha Itachi."

Hidan and Deidara leaned around Kisame and waved, "Deidara, yeah!"

"Hidan, and this is my bitch!" he announced, flinging his arm around Sakura's shoulders as Deidara turned to glare at him.

Sakura simply rolled her eyes but didn't correct him; she'd just beat on him later once they were away from Wave.

The man didn't seem bothered by them but he'd gone a bit pale under the make-up when he'd heard Itachi's name. The only real source of information on Kisame was contained in the Bingo Book and the wild hear-say stories of easily frightened civilians. Both would have told him that Hoshigaki Kisame was more often than not accompanied by Uchiha Itachi.

Suddenly the huge, hulking figure standing shaking with rage in the middle of the street looked a bit more worrisome than it had before. The man stepped back slightly, bringing 'Samehada' in front of him as a reflex. Sakura, Hidan and Deidara were leaning forward to absorb the entirety of the suddenly awkward situation.

Kisame very slowly drew the scarf down from his face, still hidden by the hood. Then slowly stretched to his full height and flicked his hood down.

The Kisame-impersonator froze, all swagger gone in a heartbeat. He made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a whimper and seemed to crumple into himself.

Hidan, Sakura and Deidara finally gave in and roared with laughter, holding onto each other to stay upright. Even Itachi smirked slightly, the corners of his mouth turning up very slightly – his equivalent of sobbing with laughter as the others were.

Kisame was not as amused as the rest and it showed on his face. The men looked as though he wished the ground would open up and swallow him – both out of fear that Kisame was going to fuck him up and the sheer embarrassment of having been caught in one hell of a whopper of a lie.

"What in the absolute fuck are you playing at, son?" he asked, his voice a low and ominous rumble that had caused stronger men than this idiot to piss themselves.

"Umm ..." the man managed to stutter out, cringing away from the terrible realisation that he was fucked.

"Didn't you think I'd find out, idiot?"

The man shook his head and sunk lower to the ground.

"What a fucking moron. He is actually offending me with what a tit he is," Hidan said loudly to the others.

"So what's your game plan here mister?" asked Deidara, smirking over at him.

The man made some spluttering noises and cringed when the fear stopped him making any words.

Kisame marched over to him and grabbed him by the collar, lifting him up to his eye level and giving him a good shake, "You had better start talking you fuck, or I'm going to show you what the real Hoshigaki Kisame does to people who piss him off!"

Sakura looked to the others, "He's going to show him that anyway right?"

The others nodded in sync.

"Good."

The man sputtered and managed to squeak out that his name was Nobu and he was originally from Mist. He'd never made it above chuunin level and had left not long after Kisame had disappeared from the village and gone underground. He'd drifted around doing mercenary work for a time and a few months back he'd come to Wave. Away from the main ninja centres Wave Country suffered from a lack of real information about the scary outside world and Nobu had hit on the brilliant idea of extorting money from the place by pretending to be one of their most feared bogey-figures.

"Boooooooring!" Hidan and Deidara chorused from the peanut gallery while Sakura and Itachi shared the flask of sake.

"Boring?" Nobu managed to ask from between the big hands at his throat.

"Yeah, boring. Just kill the fucker Kisame and let's get back to the base," yawned Hidan, disappointed that their lurid theories hadn't played out.

"Still, his fucking face, yeah?" laughed Deidara, snagging the flask from Itachi to drain the end of it.

"Totally worth it, do you think we can get some more of that tempura to go?" asked Sakura, already thinking of their journey home.

Nobu began thrashing in Kisame's hold and begging him not to kill him. Kisame made a disgusted noise under his breath and was about to deal with him when he caught the faces of the villagers out of the corner of his eye.

"You know, I don't think I will kill you. I've got a better idea ..." he trailed off, looking over to the gathering villagers with a malicious grin.

The others looked at him in confusion before catching up to his train of thought and sharing in his evil smile.

XXXXX

The five of them waved at the villagers who had gathered around the tied up figure of Nobu. Kisame had demanded some soap and had used several of his least gentle water jutsu to scrub the ridiculous blue paint off the man. After he'd ruined the man's costume he'd strapped him up tightly enough that he had no hope of escape. Then he'd simply handed him over to the crowd who were not exactly warm and welcoming to the man who'd been terrorising them for the past few months.

"That was very restrained of you Kisame," said Sakura as they started crossing back over the bridge.

"Well, he was just an idiot," replied Kisame who was looking much more cheerful now the issue had been resolved.

"It would've been better if he had wanted your skin, seriously," commented Hidan.

"Still, wasn't a total waste, yeah?" said Deidara, shrugging his shoulder to show the pack full of food and good quality sake they'd been given in thanks.

Itachi simply strolled along wondering if he'd remembered to pick up his notepads from his room at the inn.

XXXXX

R/R


	2. Chapter 2

Bask in this chapter as it was written in the Roman sunshine and it should be shared with you all! It's also written on my phone so please excuse any formatting fuck ups.

xxxxx

Pein held up a hand, stopping the accountant mid-flow. The other businessmen at the board meeting sat in complete silence as Pein concentrated.

Eventually he sighed and brought a hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Is everything alright Pein-sama?" ventured one of the board members in a meek voice.

"Yes, yes, my idiocy-sense is tingling, something stupid going to happen I can feel it in my bones," he sighed, "We'd best end here, I'll alert you when I wish to reconvene."

The board members bowed and left as quickly as they could manage without outright fleeing. Pein loved his meetings and never interrupted them if he could help it. Charts, spreadsheets, figures, they were the stuff Pein's dreams were made of and for him to give them up meant this was serious business.

xxxxx

"What are you cretins up to?" demanded Pein as he swept into the base's recreation room where the majority of his underlings were gathered.

He was met with several blank looks from said underlings who didn't appear to be up to anything. Itachi was busy pretending that Sakura wasn't nearly beating him at shogi. Deidara and Kakuzu were engrossed in the most recent delivery of magazine subscriptions. Hidan had been asleep and Kisame was doing the crossword in the day's paper. Zetsu was away on a mission and wasn't due to return for another week and Konan was at her book club in the village.

"What's the fucking problem? I'm trying to have a goddamn sleep here!" snapped Hidan. He'd only just returned from a week-long assassination mission and was crankier than usual.

Pein chewed on one of his lip piercings as he tried to figure out what was giving him this irritating feeling. "You're all sure you're not planning anything stupid?"

They all looked at each other and shrugged, shaking their heads and giving their boss a funny look.

"Really?" Pein pressed.

Kisame frowned at his paper, "I'm not doing anything til I've got this finished. What's another word for 'hateful', nine letters and third letter's an 'h'?"

"'Abhorrent'. You are so going down Itachi, this is too easy," answered Sakura as she flicked another of Itachi's pieces from the board.

Itachi's brow creased ever so slightly more and he leaned forward over the board, desperately trying to strategise his way out of this predicament.

"What about you two?" asked Pein, turning to Deidara and Kakuzu, "Nothing's going to explode and none of your experiments are about to have unnatural consequences?"

Deidara shook his head, and Kakuzu gave Pein disparaging look over the top of his copy of 'The Financier's Journal'. Pein turned to Hidan who rolled his eyes and picked up a discarded copy of 'Art Attacks' to put over his face to block out the light.

Pein stood at a loss, "Well something is going on."

Sakura looked up from her new attack strategy that was breezing through Itachi's defences and raised her eyebrow at Pein, "What are you talking about?"

Pein gave her a withering look, missing the days when he inspired fear in the hearts of stupid leaf-nins, "After years of dealing with these idiots I've developed something of an extra sense for stupid behaviour. It has never been wrong and it's on right now, so one of you cretins had better own up."

"Who says it's us? Why not one of the the other ninjas? That guy with the shitty hair who works on the gate needs retrained in a big way," said Deidara, reaching for a pen to fill in his details in the back of the art supplies magazine.

"I'll fucking say, he tried to search me for weapons when I came back in," whinged Hidan.

Sakura gave him a funny look, "Everyone has weapons."

"That's what I fucking said!"

Pein twisted his neck slightly in the vain hope of stopping the building pressure headache, "So you all say it isn't you?"

The whole room nodded at him.

"Well, then get ready, we're going to go into the village and get to the bottom of this," Pein announced.

He scowled when everyone in the room groaned aloud, except Itachi who was looking rather pleased at the interruption, "Get a move on or else! And no whining!"

xxxxx

"This is fucking stupid, yeah," grumbled Deidara.

"Hmm," agreed Kisame around the pen in his mouth as he walked along looking at his crossword.

The village seemed completely normal. The civilians were milling about shopping, gossiping and casting slightly awed looks at the various Akatsuki members as they wandered past. Rain ninjas saluted them and continued on about their business. Nothing suspicious seemed to be going on at all.

"This is bullshit," announced Hidan when they all met up again in the town square after splitting up to cover more ground, "I'm missing out on fucking valuable sleeping time here."

"You slept all morning," said Kakuzu, looking just as put out about the situation as the others.

"You heathens don't understand what sacrificing is like," Hidan grumbled, rubbing at the recently healed area over his heart where there'd been a huge hole two days previously.

"What did you not understand about 'no whining'?" said Pein, appearing from the crowds and joining their little circle, "What have you found?"

"There's absolutely fuck all happening," said Hidan.

"Not a fucking thing, yeah," agreed Deidara.

"The dango stand is having a sale," said Sakura, waving her half-eaten stick in the air.

"The bar down on the west side is having a new karaoke machine delivered," added Kisame.

"Really? That place is a dive, yeah."

"It runs a opiate ring on the side, of course it's a fucking dive," said Kakuzu.

"Really?"

"The Akatsuki get a cut of the profits every quarter," said Kakuzu, as if he was merely discussing the weather.

Pein put a hand to the side of his head to check on the enlarged vein that seemed to be pulsing in his temple. Taking a deep breath he managed to calm himself, "Nothing suspicious? No enemy ninja, no plots to overthrow the power structure?"

His underlings shrugged, spreading their hands to indicate they had nothing for him. Itachi was looking off into the distance, his brow furrowed in the tiniest degree.

Pein shared a look with the others, "Is something the matter Itachi?"

"Something has happened to Sasuke," Itachi answered quietly.

Deidara and Hidan high fived noiselessly behind his back making Sakura and Kisame snort with laughter. Pein frowned, he really couldn't give a shit about the littlest Uchiha, surely that wasn't the problem.

"How can you possibly know?" Sakura asked suspiciously.

Kisame made her turn around so he could use her back to write in an answer for his crossword, "I told you, special Uchiha powers, remember?"

"Yeah and I can sorta believe he knows when Sasuke's nearby, it's ridiculous but I can stretch to that, but some sort of psychic link is too goddamn much," Sakura said, bracing her shoulders as Kisame scribbled away.

Itachi turned away from the group suddenly, looking towards the gate.

"Oh god he's not actually here is he?" asked Sakura.

"Can we kill him this time? Please say we can fucking kill him?" begged Hidan.

"He's not here," answered Itachi, but the emphasis on 'he's' made it quite clear that someone certainly was.

Pein smirked at the others, totally vindicated that his stupidity sensor was on top form as usual. He got several bored looks and privately vowed to give them all shitty missions for a month. What was the point of being the leader of the most feared organisation of criminals if his underlings didn't respect him?

It didn't take long to see what Itachi was meant. Parting the crowds like water was an anxious looking Juugo, followed by a sulking Karin and a bored Suigetsu. Juugo spotted them - they were standing alone in the square as the inhabitants were conscious enough of their own safety not to crowd the Akatsuki - and rushed over, wringing his hands together.

"Sakura! Oh thank god," he exclaimed. Behind him Karin was pulling a face like she had a shit under her nose and Suigetsu winked lasciviously at her.

Kisame's hand came up in a reflex ready to smack the little punk. He would clearly have to wait in line behind Hidan and Deidara who had suddenly gotten their serious faces on. Pein gave them both a hard look.

"Hey Juugo, Karin, Suigetsu, what's up?" Sakura smiled at the big ninja, it was a pity he'd fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Juugo pushed his index fingers together as he thought about how he was going to phrase what he was about to say, "Well, you know there was a group of human traffickers operating out of somewhere in Wind?"

Sakura was sure she'd heard about them from Temari, "I thought Gaara had dealt with it? He gets a bit pissy with folks like that."

"Yeah well, so did we, so we were crossing the border and it turns out they're still kind of operating," said Juugo, wincing as smirks of amusement spread over the faces of the Akatsuki.

"Please tell me this is going where I think it's going, yeah?"

Sakura sighed, "Using my amazing powers of deduction I'm going to say that they have something to do with why that idiot Sasuke isn't here with you?"

"He's not an idiot," complained Karin but Suigetsu rolled his eyes and told her to shut up.

"Yes he fucking well is, what kind of ninja gets captured by slavers?" scoffed Hidan.

"Exactly, so why the hell are you here?" demanded Pein.

Juugo cowered slightly under Pein's gaze, making Pein feel much better about his intimidation skills, "We need your help," he asked very quietly.

"Sorry what was that?" asked Hidan obnoxiously.

"Oh don't be a prick Hidan, why do you need us? Can't the three of you just bust him out?" asked Sakura.

"They're all genjutsu users and we haven't been able to get close enough to the compound," admitted Juugo.

"I'm calling bullshit, yeah, Uchiha assholes can see through genjutsu with their fucking Sharingan," Deidara said, folding his arms.

Juugo winced, evidently hoping that they wouldn't have spotted that, "Yes, but Sasuke is ... well ... out of commission ..."

He trailed off looking anxiously at Itachi. Itachi tilted his head a fraction to the right to indicate that Juugo should start at the beginning. Juugo looked helplessly at Sakura who translated for him.

"Oh right, well, they sort of caught him at a bad time ..." he began.

Deidara and Hidan were practically rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of an embarrassing story about Sasuke.

"He'd ... umm ... gone to the baths and they sort of drugged his sake, by the time we got down there they were carting him off. One of them caught us in a genjutsu we couldn't break until they were long gone. We think we know his exact location, it's just getting past their defences," he finished.

"Bad form to attack someone in the onsen," commented Kisame.

"Yeah, a man's bath time is private time, seriously," said Hidan.

"So will you help?" Juugo was practically begging.

"Why? He's an ass, just write him off as a bad job, yeah?"

"I'm with goldilocks on this one, seriously."

Itachi gave what would have been a sigh of long sufferance in someone who displayed emotion by breathing out a little, "He is my brother."

Kisame groaned, if Itachi was going then he was bound to get roped in. Maybe Pein wouldn't let him to teach Sasuke a lesson about hanging around Akatsuki territory trying to kill one of his employees.

"Will you be joining us Sakura?" Itachi asked, in a monotone to everyone else but she could hear the hopefulness in it.

"As satisfying as it'd be to rescue that son of a bitch and rub his goddamn face in it, he's an asshole who keeps trying to kill me. You can handle it," she answered standing next to Hidan and Deidara.

Kakuzu just gave the three-quarters of Team Hebi a withering stare.

Itachi sighed, turning to Pein he said, "A human trafficking ring that not even the Kazekage could eliminate, and one that is powerful enough to capture high level shinobi, could interfere with the economic stability of the region. Traders will be less likely to make the journey here given that they often have to pass through Wind. It would be in the village's best interest to send a larger team to deal with this disturbance."

Sakura, Deidara and Hidan stood stunned, was that the longest string of words Itachi had ever said? Kisame just shook his head, Itachi might be socially inept most of the time, but he became a master manipulator when he wanted his way.

Pein looked thoughtful as Juugo crossed his fingers in the hope Itachi's spiel would pay off.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing Itachi, but you do make a good point. I doubt they're as strong as these idiots think but we can't have anything interfering with our markets. You'd all best get ready to leave. Also, once you've rescued that little moron you are all to give Rain a wide berth, do you understand me? I'm sick of reports that say you're in the area," said Pein.

Kakuzu ground his teeth together and glared his hardest glare at Itachi. He should never get involved in anything these other idiots were doing, it always ended up backfiring on him.

The others shared dark looks and Itachi realised quietly that he would have to remember to set traps around his bedroom door when this was all over. With plenty of glowering and muttered complaints the Akatsuki trudged off towards the base, telling Team Hebi they'd meet them at the gates.

Pein stood watching after them to make sure there wouldn't be any mutinies. After a second Konan appeared next to him, the week's book for her club tucked under her arm.

"Everything alright Pein?"

"They're going to break up a trafficking ring, Itachi's cretinous brother had managed to get himself captured so they're obviously not the usual sort," sighed Pein, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Hmmm. At least life isn't boring?" she asked.

"Oh I wish it were, I really do."

xxxxx

The journey was made in somewhat of a frosty silence. Those who'd been against bothering had banded together - an unusual truce even forming between Hidan and Kakuzu - and we're following behind those had actually wanted to rescue Sasuke.

Itachi was graciously allowing Karin to lead the expedition and was content to trail behind her and Suigetsu as Juugo filled them in on every detail he had gathered so far. Suigetsu had stopped trying to flirt with Sakura when a little white spider had nearly blown his face off some miles previously.

They'd just passed through a clump of withered trees and the soil was starting to turn to sand when Juugo held up a hand to get the party to stop. Ahead they could see a cave system hollowed through the soft rock and the Akatsuki groaned with annoyance. There could be miles of caves and tunnels in there and could take forever to clear out.

"If we pass by the line of that rock we'll spring the genjutsu trap," explained Juugo.

"So we get little red-eyes to disable them and then head in to fuck them up?" asked Hidan, already pulling his scythe from its sheath.

"Basically yeah."

"Good, dibs on the head honcho - Jashin-sama likes them best."

"Why?"

"For fuck's sake we don't have the time, Hidan can bore you shitless later," growled Kakuzu.

Once the dissension in the ranks had died down Itachi walked forward. His eyes spun and the genjutsu traps wavered and died as he disabled them with little effort.

"Don't you find you really hate him sometimes?" Sakura whispered to Kisame.

"What do you mean sometimes, yeah?"

"You get used to it," Kisame answered mildly.

The others looked at each other with shared mutual loathing of the third-last Uchiha.

Juugo inched forward after Itachi, continually bracing himself in case he was going to find himself caught in another of the group's traps. The others followed, drawing out weapons and suppressing their chakra as they did so.

At the entrance to the caves they waited while Itachi scouted ahead a little. Deidara formed a few clay creatures to keep watch on the other tunnel entrances and give anyone hoping to flee through them a big surprise. He and Sakura then discussed the possibility of blocking up the whole complex with her strength or his explosives so they wouldn't have to do this shit again.

When Itachi reappeared he had something of an odd look on his face. Everyone immediately looked to Sakura for her practiced eye in Uchiha mannerisms. To her it looked like Itachi was at once incredibly amused and beyond disturbed. He shook his head, either unable or unwilling to explain, and gestured that they should follow him silently.

Prepping themselves for a fight they snuck after Itachi, hoping to catch the traffickers unawares since they'd avoided the traps outside. There seemed to be a large chamber ahead, and from inside it they could hear voices.

Kisame gestured to Itachi that they would stand around the corner and make a noise that would hopefully bring them out to investigate. Once the traffickers left the hall they would run slap bang into Itachi who should have no trouble eliminating them. Sakura held up her hands to indicate there were seven chakra signals inside, she then brought her hand low to show they weren't high level ninja.

Itachi nodded and the others retreated around the corner. Deidara stuck a tiny amount of clay in among some metal barrels in a side corridor and joined them. Winking at Sakura he held up his hand and on a signal from Kisame muttered 'katsu' under his breath.

The noise of the metal being flung around a small space was near on deafening for Team Hebi who hadn't thought to cover their ears as the rest had, more than used to Deidara's pyrotechnics. As predicted the alarm was immediately raised and the sounds of yelling and footsteps rushing into the corridor could be heard. Around the corner the group heard several squishy noises and screams as the slavers met the business end of Itachi's katana.

Itachi's chakra signal then retreated into the room and the others felt it safer to follow. They skirted around the bodies of the slavers and saw that one was still alive, clearly the leader, and was brandishing his own sword in Itachi's direction. He looked terrified, probably because his genjutsus weren't having the effect he'd hoped and Itachi had dispatched his men without breaking a sweat or even changing expression.

They were so intent on watching the outcome of the fight that nobody noticed what was going on in the corner of the room until Hidan choked out, "Oh fucking hell!" before bursting out into uncontrollable laughter.

Suddenly the potential threat was no longer the most horrifying thing in the room.

Stood in the corner, with a choker that was sapping his chakra attached to a chain from the wall, was Sasuke. Apart from a scowl he wasn't wearing much else. The slavers obviously had some things in common with Orochimaru as the tiny loincloth they'd given him barely covered his modesty.

By this point Hidan was barely upright and was forced to clutch at the doorframe to keep himself upright. Sakura and Karin had gasped aloud but while Karin was more inclined to appreciate the view, Sakura had joined in with Hidan and was almost crying with laughter. Deidara made them laugh harder by pretending to throw up while Kisame and Kakuzu merely shared an amused look and shook their heads. Suigetsu was snickering behind his hand while Juugo seemed merely relieved that apart from a seriously wounded pride, Sasuke was unhurt.

Itachi took advantage of the distraction to quickly deal with the leader and turned back to them, his lips quirking slightly as he took in his red-faced brother.

Sasuke was blushing so hard it had spread down his chest. Sakura had never seen him so discomfited and that just made her laugh even harder.

"Sasuke, are there any other ... prisoners ... in this compound?" Kisame managed to ask with a relatively straight face, though he struggled a little on the word prisoners.

Sasuke made a face and shook his head, evidently not trusting his voice.

Kisame clapped his big hands together, "Great! Go break him loose Sakura, then Deidara can blow this shithole."

Itachi nodded, satisfied, and gave his brother something of a fond look.

Hidan managed to get himself under control enough to realise that Itachi had screwed him over for a sacrifice and started bitching at him as Sakura tried to stop laughing as she approached her old crush.

"Hello Sasuke," was about all she could manage before snickering again.

He glowered at her as hard as he could manage. His stare wasn't as intimidating as it should've been as not only was he still red but he couldn't activate his Sharingan thanks to the chakra draining choker. With a glowing fist she ripped the chain from the wall and used it to tug him over to Itachi who was probably best at disabling the sort of seals that made the collar.

Kakuzu had walked off around the compound and reappeared as Itachi freed his brother. Juugo had found some clothes stashed in another room and handed them over to his team-mate.

"What's up stitches?" asked Hidan, looking over at his partner now the entertainment had finished for the present.

"Having captured one person hardly counts as a trafficking ring - Sasuke wouldn't fetch enough profit to make it viable," answered Kakuzu.

"Maybe they were just perverts, yeah?"

"I think we should keep an eye on this area, there's something not right about it. I'll tell Pein when we return."

"Well, we'd better have something I suppose - having all of us troop out here was a bit of overkill," mused Kisame.

"I'm going to make a formal complaint," agreed Kakuzu.

"Oh come the fuck on, like it wasn't worth it to see the twat," laughed Hidan.

Kakuzu couldn't argue with that and lead them out of the tunnels. Deidara lingered behind to plant his explosives, whistling a tune under his breath. As far as he was concerned he was having a great day.

As they watched the hillside crumble in on itself Sasuke shuddered slightly, trying to stop his relief at being out of that nightmare from showing.

"Do you need anything else Sasuke?" Itachi asked blandly.

"Like therapy, seriously."

Sasuke ground his teeth together and shook his head, his cheeks still pink.

"Oh good, then we'll be going. Remember what Pein said you three," Itachi reminded them.

Team Hebi nodded and Juugo thanked them all profusely before the Akatsuki departed back to Rain.

"I think I'm mentally fucking scarred from that experience, seriously."

"I think I need new eyes, yeah?"

Sakura laughed out loud, "Come on guys, you'll have to be careful you don't get picked up by perverts too!"

"We should be so lucky," Kakuzu muttered under his breath.

"They wouldn't take you two, you're not pretty enough for how fucking annoying you'd be," laughed Kisame.

Deidara and Hidan flipped him the bird.

xxxxx


	3. Chapter 3

**For Staraz, who wanted something to do with Sakura's birthday. This is part one and part two should follow soon.**

**I know Madara doesn't technically exist but hundred year old senile madbrush Madara is much more fun for a comedy story than sad obsessive perpetually-friendzoned Obito.**

**Enjoy!**

XXXXX

"What's all this shit?" demanded Hidan as nervous looking junior ninja delivered yet another parcel to Sakura at the rec room table.

"Slow today idiot? It's Sakura's birthday in a couple of days," answered Kisame, rolling his eyes.

Hidan scowled, "Jashin-sama disapproves of celebrating birthdays."

Sakura and Kisame shared a sceptical look, "Why?" ventured Sakura.

"He thinks that the mother does all the work when a baby is born, so why celebrate the baby?" he answered with the fanatical tone that often accompanied his lessons on Jashin seeping into his voice.

Sakura leaned back in her chair, "I suppose, but if the mother wants to celebrate the kid being born that should make it ok right?"

Kisame cut in before Hidan could answer, "Don't try and use logic on the religious nut, like that's ever fucking worked."

Hidan scowled but Sakura nodded and returned to sorting through the parcels piled on the desk. Pein would probably have something to say about Konoha having the Akatsuki's postal address, but it was nice to know she hadn't been forgotten.

"What the hell is all this?" asked Kakuzu as he appeared in the doorway, closely followed by a glowering Deidara.

"It's Sakura's birthday," Hidan and Kisame said in unison.

Deidara perked up on hearing this, "Hell yeah, I love birthdays! How old are you, yeah?"

"It's not polite to ask a woman her age, you idiot," Kakuzu tutted, rolling his eyes at the younger generation.

"Thanks Kakuzu, that's really sweet!" beamed Sakura, making Kakuzu scowl harder, "But I'm only going to be twenty-one, and it's in my Bingo Book entry anyway."

"Twenty-one? Fucking hell," muttered Kisame.

"I bet you can't even remember being twenty-one can you Kakuzu, you old scrote?" snickered Hidan.

Kakuzu gave him a withering stare before moving over to the other table, evidently having decided that Sakura's birthday was of little interest.

"What's up with you Goldilocks?" Hidan asked, seeing that Deidara was back to sulking again.

"That asshole doesn't appreciate art, yeah?" he said, pointing at Kakuzu who looked up from his work to roll his eyes.

"I appreciate _art,_ Deidara," Kakuzu's careful emphasis made Deidara's face turn to thunder.

"You son of a bitch! I'll kill yo -" Deidara's lunge towards Kakuzu was cut off by Pein clamping a hand on his shoulder.

The Akatsuki were so used to their boss appearing with no warning to catch them in the middle of something stupid that this barely phased them. He was flanked by Itachi and Itachi's great-great-grand-something Madara.

"Ooh presents!" trilled Madara in an excited voice.

There was a beat of silence as everyone gave their crazed overlord an assessing look.

"Your birthday, Sakura?" asked Pein blandly, showing that like Kakuzu he really wasn't interested either.

"She's only going to be twenty-fucking-one," said Kisame in an aggrieved voice.

Pein clearly shared Kisame's sentiment as he grimaced, "Really?"

"What's the matter with that?" asked Sakura, "'Tachi was what, thirteen, when you met him?"

"Yes," Pein agreed, "but you can't tell me anything about Itachi is normal."

"Well, no one can say that."

Itachi pouted slightly and Kisame smiled fondly at him.

"Anyway, what's going on here?" Pein asked, gesturing to Deidara who was still fuming.

"That bastard wants to start selling my art!" Deidara cried, pointing an accusing finger.

Kakuzu shrugged to say that was pretty much what was happening. The others shared a look as they tried to work out why this was annoying Deidara so much.

"So people want to buy his art?" Pein asked, sensing, as Kakuzu obviously had, a financial opportunity in the making.

"Not yet," he said as Deidara spluttered, "no one really sees it and stays in any condition to buy."

The others nodded and smirked at each other – as ridiculous as Deidara was most of the time his stuff did the business.

"But I have several contacts in the art world anxious to find the next big thing. I think Deidara's art could make us some healthy profit margins once it takes off."

"Sounds like he's appreciating art, Deidara," said Kisame.

Deidara shoved both hands into his hair, a sure sign of frustration, "Hell no! All that fucking philistine cares about is making money! True art is fleeting and ephemeral – that's what makes it beautiful. You can't just shove it in a gallery or some greedy bastard's house!"

"Fucking snore, seriously!"

Everyone turned to Hidan in shock.

"You fucking hypocrite!" said Kisame in a tone of complete disbelief.

"What?"

"Oh my god, no self-awareness."

"As riveting as this conversation is," Pein cut in, his tone showing that he felt it was anything but, "Itachi, scan those parcels, just to be on the safe side."

"No one in Konoha is going to send anything dangerous, they're not that stupid," Sakura scowled at the thought of Itachi looking through her presents before she got a chance.

"Well, let's not say things we can't prove," drawled Pein.

"Why haven't you opened them yet?" demanded Madara in an eerily childlike manner.

Sakura gave the crazed old man a look, "It's not my birthday yet, it's the day after tomorrow."

Pein winced at her tone that was veering dangerously close to disrespectful. If Madara lost his temper and murdered her he was going to have a terrible time with his heartbroken minions.

Thankfully Madara hadn't noticed as his mad brain was already whirring through ideas, "Let's have a party!"

The others had the self-preservation not to gasp in horror but they couldn't quite keep the looks of terror off their faces. Sakura had the sense not to ask what was happening while Madara was in the room and instead managed to paste an interested look onto her face.

"Yes, a village party! Let's say ... a traditional theme! On the night of Sakura's birthday! Won't that be so much fun?" his tone dropped alarmingly, leaving them in no doubt that it had better be fun or it would be asses on the line.

"Yes!" they all chorused dutifully.

"Good! I trust you'll make all the arrangements Pein dear?"

Pein nodded stiffly. Madara smiled manically and swept from the room humming to himself.

Hidan waited until he was sure his boss was out of earshot before sinking down in a chair and covering his face, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

Kakuzu resisted the childish urge to fling his pen hard enough to lodge in Hidan's head and took a deep breath, "I can think of several fucking things, you colossal idiot."

Hidan didn't even react to the jibe, merely shaking his head in despair. Deidara's rage at his art being used commercially had been forgotten and he slumped down against the wall to sit on the floor. Kisame had his arms folded with one had covering his face. Even Pein was rubbing his eyes and looking incredibly weary. Itachi looked as blank as usual but there was a spark of uncertainty in his eyes.

Sakura looked around at all of them, "Ok, so what's wrong with having a party?"

There were several groans from the men.

"Hopefully no one outside the village has ever heard about the infamous masquerade ball three years ago – Madara ordered everyone to dress up and have a party with masks and everything –" Kisame started.

"Course we didn't know that Lightening had planned a fucking invasion. With everyone in masks we had no fucking idea who was who or what the hell was going on – that was a fucking song and dance, seriously," finished Hidan.

"Or how about when Madara tried to make everyone try Halloween?" asked Pein.

"What the hell's that?" asked Sakura.

"Some western festival he heard about – it's like O-Bon, supposedly it's the day spirits are closest to the living, but really it's an excuse for people to dress up in stupid costumes, give sweets to children and get drunk," he said.

"Doesn't sound too bad."

"It wasn't. Until Madara got drunk and forgot that he'd organised it and started attacking people dressed up as ghosts. It took us all night to restrain him and we had to compensate the traumatised villagers," sighed Pein.

"So you think something awful is going to happen with this party?" asked Sakura, trying not to snicker at the mental images of Madara combating people in sheets.

The others nodded, "Something always goes wrong when you try to make people have fun. It's bound to be something stupid too. I'll put the village on general alert. Do you have a kimono here Sakura?" asked Pein.

"Nah, I didn't think I'd need it to be honest," she answered.

"Konan will take you to the maker she goes to. She spends an extortionate amount on them already so please don't encourage her. Go get ready men, I have a suspicion the next few days are going to be very long indeed."

XXXXX

Konan was in her element as they entered the old shop across the village from the base. It was clearly the most traditional of kimono makers and Sakura could smell the silks, dyes and paints that went into creating what were essentially works of art. The tiny old man who appeared when the bell over the door tinkled brightened up considerably on seeing Konan.

"Ahh Konan-sama! What can I do for you today? Oh what a pretty young thing you've brought with you!" he said, smiling kindly at Sakura.

"Sakura here needs a kimono for tomorrow night," replied Konan, moving to settle herself in one of the chairs along the wall.

"Ah yes, yes. You and your organisations have given us many parties," he said in a carefully measured tone that had the two of them smirking, "which bolt do you like best my dear? Normally I would have one made to your specifications but I'm afraid we simply do not have the time."

He gestured to the bolts of fabric that lay in shelves along the wall and walked alongside Sakura as she tried to choose.

"Oh I don't know, whenever I've had a kimono before it always has some variation on the cherry blossom theme because people are painfully witty and original," she said as she walked.

"You can't have cherry blossoms now! They're a spring design," the old man said in a scandalised tone.

"Thank god, which one do you suggest?"

The old man hummed and disappeared down a rack off to the side, reappearing with a bolt of dark navy shot through with white pinstripes and some falling leaves in white where the hem of the kimono would fall.

"Someone with your colouring is interesting enough, it should always be iki with you," he said, withdrawing a tape measure with a flourish.

Sakura flushed a little, making Konan smile. As a powerful kunoichi it was nice to be made to feel feminine once in a while. It was why she came to this kimono-maker in particular. Mr Bekku had been doing this job for near fifty years and had a knack for clients of a more fearsome nature.

With an agility that belied his age and size Bekku measured Sakura, deciding that she was of an average height and would fit their standard kimono pattern. Konan had only purchased a new one a few days before and Pein had forbidden her from spending any more money until the next financial month.

Konan picked her obi for her while Mr Bekku manoeuvred the massive bolt into his workshop so his assistants could begin the work and was pleased when the owner praised her choice of the light gray as matching the ensemble perfectly.

When Sakura reached into her bag to pay Bekku Konan stopped her, "Consider this a birthday present from Pein and I, also as an apology for whatever will go wrong during Madara's ridiculous party."

"I couldn't! I mean that's an expensive kimono and it's kind of my fault there's even going to be a party," Sakura protested.

Konan just smiled and manoeuvred her out of the store, Bekku promising to have it cut, sewn and ready by the next day.

"I'll pay you back, technically I'm on a Konoha mission so Tsunade sends my pay over," said Sakura as they walked back through the village.

Konan laughed, "Don't be ridiculous Sakura, you've given me and Pein, though he won't admit it, so much more than a kimono's worth of entertainment recently."

"Alright. What are the others up to by the way? I haven't seen any of them all day."

"Well they should be out preparing the village for whatever is going to happen tomorrow, but I suspect Hidan and Deidara will be shirking their duties to get you presents. You might even get a little something from Kisame – he is awfully fond of you," answered Konan, smiling.

"Are they good with presents? Or am I going to have to do that face where you pretend to love something but it's literally the hardest face to pull?"

"Well, I can't really tell you – before you came along they could hardly go two days without a massive fight much less buy each other birthday gifts. I suspect Hidan's idea of an appropriate gift won't be as appropriate as he thinks but you should be ok with Deidara and I'm sure Kisame's will be lovely."

"What's the likelihood that Deidara's present will explode somehow?"

"Well, I wouldn't put it past him would you?"

XXXXX

"Why are you hovering 'Tachi?" Sakura asked, leaning away from him as he stood behind her chair.

"Don't call me that," he groused, "Pein said I had to scan these presents."

"Fine, this'll be pretty boring for you though."

The rest of the Akatsuki were piled into the room but were only giving her a polite amount of attention as several of them weren't all that interested beyond the chance to snicker if she got something stupid.

"Open mine first!"

"Hidan, weren't you all, 'ooh Jashin disapproves of birthdays' the other day?" Kisame pointed out.

"Shut the fuck up fishy, and open my goddamn present bitch!"

"I don't think you've really got the hang of this 'birthday' thing Hidan ..."

"You shut the fuck up too."

Sakura laughed, and pulled his parcel to the front to stop him causing any trouble. It was very well wrapped, and she said as much.

"Jashin gets presents on his high days and holidays – if they're not wrapped right he fucks you up, seriously."

"Jashin has issues in a big way, yeah?"

Hidan glowered as Sakura hastily pulled open the parcel to head off any arguments. Inside was a scroll, closed with a seal that would activate it once it was broken. She looked at him to see if she should open it straight away and he nodded. Despite the fact that visions of something horribly embarrassing kept popping into her mind she broke the seal and unrolled the scroll. It glowed, revealing that it had something sealed inside. Reaching in she pulled out a long handled mace ending a spiked ball with cruelly pointed ends.

"I talked to Jashin and he said you don't have a signature weapon so he suggested this!" Hidan explained happily as Sakura gave it a few experimental swings.

"Only someone who doesn't have a physical presence would want to make her scarier than she already is," said Kisame as the others shook their heads.

Sakura grinned, "Thanks Hidan, that's pretty cool – and uh, thanks Jashin?" she said to the air, shrugging and trying not to smile at how elated Hidan looked at seeing that she liked it.

Placing it gently on the table so it wouldn't roll off and land on anyone she started opening her other gifts from Konoha. The Akatsuki commented and criticised as she did so. The self-help book entitled 'How to Deal with the Criminally Insane' from Sai received a few comments, including that most of them wondered how many copies it had sold. Naruto sent her some instant ramen in a flavour that seemed to be specific to Konoha (from a throw-away comment in a letter to him ages ago) and said that he'd helped pick the aforementioned book, and to remember the phrase 'stranger danger'.

"Stranger danger?" Pein asked.

"Yeah, it's what kids are supposed to shout if someone they don't know tries to take them anywhere," Sakura replied, flicking through the book.

"That has parallels I suppose," he said.

Tsunade had packed several medical scrolls and a list of the plant types and knowledge she was to steal should she come back to Konoha in the near future. Yamato had wrapped one of his wood carvings featuring the remains of Team Seven throwing victory signs and bearing a banner with 'Come Home Sakura' on it. Kakashi had sent a hastily wrapped bottle of her favourite perfume, the post mark on it much later than the others and it was a miracle it had arrived on time.

"That's a nice present," Konan commented, opening the top to smell the fragrance.

"He has a crate of them in his cupboard that he thinks I don't know about – means he doesn't have to think every year," Sakura scoffed.

"How is that man such a good ninja? He's the laziest bastard I've ever heard of," asked Kisame.

"Only in his personal life," Sakura felt she had to defend her mentor as she did love that perfume a lot, "Who is this one from?"

"Me! Itachi helped too I suppose," answered Kisame while Itachi glared.

"Aw thanks Kisame, you shouldn't have!"

Opening it revealed a soft leather roll with heavy-duty clasps holding it closed. Rolling it out she laughed aloud as she saw the personalised cooking utensils – several knives for different tasks, a few types of spatula and some nice cutlery. The handles featured little red clouds on a black background to remind her of them if she was ever away.

"You can't learn to cook with crap tools," Kisame declared, pretending that it was a purely practical gift rather than something she felt was very thoughtful.

"I chose the design," said Itachi, eager to be included.

"Thanks 'Tachi, these are great."

She opened a few more presents from the rest of the no-longer-Rookie-Eleven and various other ninjas from around the village, including a disgustingly cute teddy bear from a still love-struck Kotetsu that was soundly laughed at by the Akatsuki.

"Didn't you get Sakura a gift Deidara?" asked Pein when she had finished and was busy separating the paper from any tape so it could go into the village's recycling programme.

Deidara merely grinned at her, the slight maniacal edge convincing her that it would in fact be something that would explode, "Course I fucking have, yeah. But you have to wait to tonight to get it."

Pein gave Konan an unimpressed look as she sighed happily at the sappy romantic Deidara had become. He was going to have to send them all on a re-training course to get them back to the ruthless killers he was used to.

Hidan scowled at Sakura's interest but couldn't help preening a little as she swept up the mace and headed off towards the training grounds for a quick go with it before she had to get ready for the evening's 'entertainment'.

XXXXX

After destroying several training dummies and traumatising an entire squad of Rain ninja Sakura had declared the mace a success. Pein forbade her from using it within the boundaries of the village and secretly signed her name to the anger management seminar that the academy was giving in a couple of days. Hidan simply watched the carnage unfold with a bright eyes and a love-struck grin that probably didn't help the Rain ninjas' mental states.

She wrote all her thank you notes from the onsen where she and Konan debated how the men were going to look.

"I don't think you'll be surprised to hear that Kisame always looks best, except for Pein obviously but that's because I dress him."

"Kisame is weird – I've seen him destroy people, and laugh all the way but actually he's an artistic and sensitive soul."

"Well, I think sensitive is maybe a bit far – but he certainly has many layers that most people don't see."

"It's hard to see them when he's shaving bits off you and stealing all your chakra. What about the others?"

"Well when it comes to traditional dress there's no one more suited than Kakuzu, he always wears kimonos that are probably older than most of us but he does pull them off. Deidara has a bit of a weakness for brightly coloured obi that don't go with the rest of his outfit. Itachi usually looks alright but again, that's because Kisame dresses him. Hidan usually uses it as a chance to advertise Jashinism and he's always got his chest out."

Sakura laughed, how did she get involved with these crazy people again? Tsunade wanted all the information she could gather on these guys but how on earth was she supposed to catalogue this?

Mr Bekku had worked wonders and her kimono was a work of art. Konan had a couple of employees that were skilled in tying obis and the two of them were dressed quickly, leaving plenty of time to do their hair and makeup. Konan seemed very pleased to have another girl around to do these things with rather than the several warped men she was surrounded by.

Madara wasn't present in the foyer where they'd all agreed to meet before heading out into the village. They'd figured that there would be safety in numbers for whatever was going to go wrong. Kisame had attempted to be positive and say that maybe life was going to throw them a bone – they'd have a pleasant evening, have some food and share the good times with the villagers.

"Not fucking likely," Hidan, dressed in black with a large Jashinist crest on the back of his haori, had said.

"When was the last time we caught a break, yeah?" Deidara was also in navy that looked amazing with his hair but it was slightly ruined by the thin navy obi lying low on his hips.

"Hidan got his leg ripped off last week," Kakuzu reminded them, his old fashioned kimono would have looked ridiculously archaic on anyone else.

"That just meant we had to put up with his incessant whining," said Pein, his outfit subtly matched to Konan's.

Kisame just rolled his eyes and reached over to tug the sleeve of Itachi's black kimono crested with Uchiha fans to smooth out a wrinkle that had developed in the fabric.

"You look great, yeah!" Deidara grinned at Sakura, who did a small spin in place to show off.

Hidan grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the door telling her that he was the perfect arm candy for the night and the others followed trying to laugh but actually getting slightly nervous about what would be waiting for them.

XXXXX

R/R!


End file.
